Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village

NATIONAL BESTSELLER Considering a trip to a quaint English village? You ll think twice after learning about the countless murderous possibilities lurking behind the bucolic façades, thanks to this illustrated guide from #1 bestselling author Maureen Johnson and illustrator Jay Cooper perfect for fans of cozy mysteries.

A weekend roaming narrow old lanes, touring the faded glories of a country manor, and quaffing pints in the pub. How charming. That is, unless you have the misfortune of finding yourself in an English Murder Village, where danger lurks around each picturesque cobblestone corner and every sip of tea may be your last. If you insist on your travels, do yourself a favor and bring a copy of this little book. It may just keep you alive.

Brought to life with dozens of Gorey-esque drawings by illustrator Jay Cooper and peppered with allusions to classic crime series and unmistakably British murder lore, Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village gives you the tools you need to avoid the same fate, should you find yourself in a suspiciously cozy English village (or simply dream of going). Good luck! And whatever you do, avoid the vicar.

Leseprobe:

A Note to the Gentle Reader

It s happened. You ve finally taken that dream trip to England. You have seen Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, and Hyde Park. You have ridden in one of London s famous black cabs and encountered the Beef-eaters at the Tower of London and the ravens under their care. You have taken the Jack the Ripper tour and walked those bloody footsteps in East London. This should be enough for anyone but, perhaps, not enough for you. You ve decided to leave the hustle and bustle of the city to stretch your legs in the bucolic countryside of these green and pleasant lands.

You ve read the books and watched the shows. You know what to expect: You ll drink a pint in the sunny courtyard of a local pub. You ll wander down charming alleyways between stone cottages. Residents will tip their flatcaps at you as they bicycle along cobblestone streets. It will be idyllic.

The author respectfully suggests you put aside these fantasies. It is possible that y ou will find yourself in a placid and tedious little corner of England; it is just as possible that you will end up in an English Murder Village. You will not know you are in a Murder Village, as they look like all other villages. When you arrive in Shrimpling or Pickles-in-the-Woods or Wombat-on-Sea or wherever it is, there will be no immediate signs of danger. This is exactly the problem. You are already in the trap.

My advice: Stick to urban areas. Do not go to the countryside. Dispose of this book, and continue on with your life.

If you still insist on pursuing this course of action, commit the following information to memory. It may help you remain alive, if anything can.

Regretfully yours,

The Author